This post has no emotionally nutritive value whatsoever. There is no wisdom here. But in case you’re late on April Fool’s Day preparation, I’ve got you covered. Happy April Fool’s.
The 2015 Diabolical Juice of the Year
Unlike the socially acceptable recipes I give to other people, the juices that I make for myself are almost always disgusting. I take it like a champ and I expect my family to do the same, but sometimes I cross the line. Recently I fed my brother a particularly vile-tasting juice. This was his actual reaction.
My brother’s actual reaction when I fed him the juice below.
I promise this recipe will be vastly more effective on an unsuspecting victim than any store-bought earwax-flavored jellybean. This, my friend, is the real deal. (And it’s actually very good for you.)
2 large bunches of Dandelion Greens (critical ingredient)
1 bulb of Fennel
1 bunch Asparagus
1 handful Mint
1 piece Ginger
(If you decide to make this juice, please let me know how it goes!)
Black grapes stain your teeth dark gray without you knowing and make you look really dirty.
I once went to Dillard’s after eating black grapes in the car. The lady at the counter smiled and I smiled back and the look of shock on her face confused me. Then I went to the fitting room to try on a dress and to my horror my teeth looked positively rotten. It was incredibly embarrassing and I learned a major lesson that day.
Feed your victim black grapes in public, in the car, or right before leaving home.
Nature’s Finest Laxative
Ditch the Tums. This juice acts in waves: just when your victims think they are done, a new tsunami will arrive. This recipe tastes decent, and not in a Sulinya’s-obsession-with-nasty-juices kind of way. (If you are genuinely constipated, you can also use this.)
1 quart Coconut Water
1-2 Habanero Peppers (these suckers are HOT… beware)
Enjoy. We’re 1/4 way through 2015.